I'll be an old lady come Tuesday

Lol!!

I always joke with my girls on birthdays that the birthday girl is an "old lady" now. 

So, Tuesday I'll be an old lady! Yay

I had a fun pre-birthday week. My oldest came out for a few days to see us. She hadn't seen us all for a year (and a day). We had a lot of fun talking with her, cooking, going out to eat, shopping, playing games, and loading each other up with gifts. 

I got chocolate coffee she got while in Peru. 

I gave her canned food I made and a 5 foot teddy bear. Lol! 

I also got a family picture of all 10 of my kids, myself, and hubby. Best gift ever. I even got one with everyone looking forward and only baby was crying.

She was so excited to hold her baby sister. It was so fun. 

She's going back in the morning, so I'm trying not to be sad. However, it was a great Christmas/Birthday gift to see her. :)

Now, my 5 year old son... He asked what I wanted for my birthday. I said "Peace and quiet" and laughed. He said "No. I mean something I can put in a box". Lol! Nope. No quiet time. :p

He's joined the dark side tonight, so I guess that explains no quiet plans.  

They are so fun. <3
I feel so blessed tonight. 

report

Have a day...

I'd like to talk a little bit about something that most know about, most have heard about, but many don't understand. 

It's not something that you can suck it up and get over.  It's not something that is enjoyable. It's not something you do for attention.  It's debilitating sadness.  It's skipping food and drinking for a beer for breakfast, and having a bottle of wine for lunch and dinner.  

Depression is not caring if others "need you".  That doesn't help. That compounds the stress knowing that your existence is only worth the fact that others are in need of your help.  That you aren't worthy of living if others don't need you.  That your life is worth so little.  

Depression is a dark hole where all you want is to sleep.  To numb your sadness.  Not knowing exactly why you are so sad, but also knowing exactly why. 

That you are useless  

Stupid

Nothing

Worthless

Everyone is better off without you

The fact that you are alive is bothersome to others

Nobody cares

Wanting to go to sleep and not wake up

Wishing you could just vanish 

Knowing you're just an incompetent piece of shit

Hating yourself 

Holding it all in

Hurting yourself to feel something, ANYTHING, that's not sadness

Knowing that nobody wants to be bothered with your problems

Knowing others problems are because of you 

That you are not a fixer.  You're a breaker. 

Just wanting to have anything to make it go away

I'm Fine.  The response to "How are you doing?"

The real feeling behind the words...

Nothing makes it better.  

Nothing. 

Ever. 

That's a worst part.  There is no end in sight.  

Have hope.  That's all we can hang onto. 

Baby 10 is here! Our 6th baby girl!

I haven't talked about this, but we found out at the beginning of the year we were expecting baby 10. From the very start of this pregnancy I had a strange sense of urgency to get everything ready or when my baby came.  I wasn't sure what the reason was, but I assumed it meant that baby might be earlier than the 40 week date.  As my date got closer I found myself getting anxious.  When October 30, at 40 weeks passed, I was getting irritable.  I was really wanting to get labor started, and it was hard to just wait.  However, I also knew that everything was fine and I didn't want to rush and cause any problems. 

I was getting more exhausted with a mixture of very bad acid reflux and not sleeping from that and contractions going from midnight to 4am nightly.   Around 40+4 the contractions switched to all day and nothing at night.  This was a wonderful break, and it gave me a chance to catch up on sleep.  On Saturday, November 5, I decided I needed a super rich meal.  The kids had eaten dinner and gone to bed.  Due to a crazy day, Brent and I hadn't eaten yet.  I made us some rich, homemade Mac and Cheese at 11pm.  We stuffed ourselves and went to bed.  At about 12:45am my contractions started and were 2 minutes apart.  I knew they would fizzle out around 4am, but laughed internally that at 2 minutes apart this could be fast.  I posted on a couple facebook groups so I could have a timeline, keep my friends updated, and they would know incase something came up that I needed answers to.  I got up at 2am to go to the bathroom.  Then at 3am Brent jumped out of bed choking.  He had a sudden acid reflux attack and inhaled it.  I stayed awake and listened to make sure he was ok and made it back to bed from the bathroom safely.   Then woke again at 4am and my contractions were still going, and still the real feeling ones in my cervix.  However, they were 5-15 minutes apart.  

Around 8:20am my plug started to come out.  That's when I knew it was getting real.  I only lose my plug during labor.  I continued to labor throughout the day.  I realized that if I laid on my side that my contractions were back to back and strong enough to bring me to tears.  When I sat up, they were more spaced out 5 to as far as 30 minutes apart, and easy to breathe through.  I decided to stay sitting.  I would rather prolong the labor and be more gentle on myself, than try to go faster and harder in hopes for a faster birth.

Around 3pm Brent made a comment that my noises were sounding more orgasmic, which is know to be when I'm getting closer.  I moved back into my birthing room and spent time on my birthing ball.  At 3:30 I felt a small gush of fluid and walked to the bathroom.  When I got to the toilet I saw there was blood in my pajama pants I was wearing.  I had heard I others bleeding when their cervix changed quickly, and a few friends of mine confirmed they did the same.  However, I still felt concern and got worried thinking about different reasons for bleeding, such as the placenta.  I knew it was up high, but thought of detachment.  I kept trying to get baby to move, but with back to back contractions it was hard.  Baby finally have me a kick, and I felt a little better.

At 3:45 I knew I needed to be in the water.  Contractions were coming fast and I wanted relief.  I got in the shower and sprayed warm water on my stomach.  About 15 seconds later my water broke.  I immediately noticed it was very stained.  A second thing that I had never personally encountered.  It wasn't necessarily concerning, but it was something else I had to monitor.  I mentioned it to Brent when he came in right after that.  He asked worriedly if that was bad.  I said it meant baby was stressed at some point (possibly because I fell down a couple weeks earlier), but only bad if baby inhaled it.

Brent stayed in there with me the rest of the time.  He helped with counter pressure and refreshing and warming the water in my tub.  I kept changing position from hands and knees, sitting, and squatting so I could keep the contractions coming since they kept stalling out.  I kept pushing on my stomach to get baby to respond, and did get a kick or roll to the side occasionally.  I will admit that I was rather stressed.  I would kind of test push with the contractions, but never felt progress with baby.

I moved to my knees and laid over the bench seat on the back of the tub.  As a contraction started, I felt a pop and my water broke again.  I let out a primal roar, and pushed as baby's head made it halfway down.  Another contraction and baby was crowning.  I stopped.  At the next contraction I began to push, but stopped and cried out "I CAN'T DO IT".  That was my cue.  Brent said that's when I'm at the end when I tell that. The next contraction I began pushing.  It hurt so bad.  Suddenly I knew baby had to get out right now.  I screamed baby out with a sense of urgency, and felt what I believe was me tearing slightly.  Baby's head was out.  Brent said he could see baby's little face.  The next contraction came and I pushed, but baby stopped halfway instead of the normal slide right out.  He said to stop.

Brent and Hannah (my daughter) said the cord was noosed around the neck really tight. There was no slack.  I felt a strange and painful movement, and he said baby's arm was out. Once he got one arm out they saw the cord was around baby's arm too, holder the arm up above baby's head.

He finally got the cord off baby's arm which gave slack to get it off the neck. I said I was going to raise up, and I raised up on my feet to put my butt in the air, but still laying on the bench.  I told him to keep baby's head out of the water.  I couldn't push, and kept yelling at him to stop pulling on her.  There was such pressure, and I felt like he was pushing on my perenium while pulling on baby.  He them said he wasn't doing anything.  It was just baby slowly coming out without help.

Once baby was out I asked "Is she ok?".  I heard a couple tiny cries.  Then asked if baby was a girl.  We had another girl!  She was very calm. She cried a couple times, but just looked at us. 

She is absolutely perfect.  She was born on Sunday, November 6 at 5:40pm CST.  She weighed 8lb 10oz and 21 1/4 inches long.   Our 10th baby!  Still no name.  I love the name Lena.  We shall see.

Understanding pregnancy

I've been thinking for a while.  I have had 9 vaginal births.  I've been through several pregnancies.  Several births.  Some medicated.  Most were natural and at home.  I've experienced a lot.  The body is absolutely amazing.  It creates life.  It forms it and grows it inside of the body.  That life goes from being soooo tiny and just a cellular glob, to an actual human being!  Then, that human actually emerges into the world by coming out of that carrier body, and they become their own person!  How amazing and strange.

My husband still seems to not quite grasp what it's like.  How could he?!  How do you explain to someone who had absolutely no idea how this wonderful and amazing (and it really is) process can cause so much complaining??  All you do is get bigger.  Right?   Riiiiggghhttt...

I know it's hard to believe that growing another human isn't pain free.  That my hips snapping when I move, not being able to walk due to back pain from standing and doing simple and every day "easy" activities, constant pooping all day or not pooping at all for days, not being able to reach my butt to wipe, not bring able to see my feet, not being able to lift my right leg to get dressed, not being able to reach my feet to get my shoes on, being nauseous the whole time and only eating once a day for almost a year, having your genitals leak some strange substance uncontrollably, peeing yourself when you sneeze/cough/sit up/move in any direction, not being able to roll over in bed without assistance, can't sleep because being on your back you can't breathe and on your side causes hip/back/arm/leg pain, throwing up in your mouth all day and night due to acid reflux cause by everything...Even the water required to keep you alive, none of your clothes fit an you're stuck in stretchy pants, your skin burns from stretching, you skin had been stretched so much that it is now  covered in angry red stretch marks from your boobs to knees, you can't sit normal due to your fabulous belly and must sit spread eagle.

Then we get to labor.  For the men, imagine knowing that at somewhere around 40 weeks of all this glory, you will have the privilege of having someone kick you in the balls. Once you just start to recover, they do it again.  Once the pain in your gut starts to subside, yep, another kick to the nuts. This goes on all day. Sometimes longer. Then, when you think it doesn't get worse, the nut sac kicks stop waiting for you to get better. They come every 1-2 minutes. Now you're wishing for death.

Suddenly, you're at the end.  All you have to do is push an object much bigger than the exit out of you.  You know this is possible, but know that best case scenario your genitalia will be bruised and swollen.  Worst case, it gets completely ripped open.  So you push. Not to get the object out, but because continuing on with the nut kicks is too much to even fathom.  Oh my God!  It's out!!!  I'm done!

Then you find out that you get to have the next few weeks recovering with the pure bliss of bleeding out of your genitalia like a faucet, spending every 2 hours urinating fire, praying to all things that your next poop isn't as bad as the previous... which was a lot like your memory of the above situation only from your butt hole, you nipples suddenly leak, but your chesticles also get as hard as rocks and feel something close to have been in line with a direct hit with a baseball in both sides.
Ahhhh!  But the best part is that the gut wrenching but kick didn't actually end!!!  Oooh nooo!  You don't get off that easy.  You get to enjoy the feeling in your gut that you had before pushing that object out for no less than a week.  The great part about it this time is that there is nothing to look forward to at the end except for the pain to stop.

That, in a nutshell, is how to explain pregnancy and birth, in a short and not quite complete way, to men.

Giving thanks to life's start and end

What an amazing day.  There's nothing better than teaching my children where their food comes from.  Having them involved in everything from breeding, birth, butchering, cooking, and finally eating.  They were shown why it is that we say a prayer of thanks to God and the creature for providing us nourishment.

April 12, one of our rabbits became a momma.  She gave birth to 9 babies.  We love watching them grow, and at a week old they look so lot different than in the picture.  

So, as m working today, Brent happened to sneak a picture of me with the second rabbit.  This was me getting ready to start skinning.

The kids also had an interesting biology lesson, with me explaining all the organs as we processed the rabbits.  The only thing they were sad about is that I wasn't going to delve into the brain today.  No pictures on that.  I promise.

I plan on eventually tanning the hides, but not this time.  I did get the rabbits cleaned up and they are chilling now.  The kids also insisted on keeping the livers, hearts, and kidneys to eat.  Ummm, I'm not sure how to cook them.  I'll figure something out.

A small moment to cherish.

Here I am, lying in bed just before midnight.  I'm smiling, as I know ill never have this moment back.  I have Z to the right of me.  He's sleeping on his right side.  His little hand resting on my sternum.  His left leg laying across my left leg.

Brent is to my right.  My right leg is tossed over both his legs, as he is diagonal in the bed.  His hand rests on my hip.

It's a happy and peaceful moment to cherish.

Almost done with nursing

Kind of funny.  Kind of made me almost cry. I've been nursing for almost 9 1/2 straight years.  I would take a few weeks off every few years before the birth of my next baby.  That's really all though.  Sleepless nights of nursing babies for years and years.  I'd dream of a few nights in a row without a baby on the boob.  Then, came my surprise tonight.  

So, I'm drying up.  It hurts to nurse due to hormones, not much milk, and Z's teeth.  Tonight I tried nursing and it lasted 30 seconds.  Popped him off and his meltdown ensued.  

After he calmed, he snuggled and asked for boobies.  I told him Mommy's boobies hurt.  His tummy hurt today, and I reminded him, then told him Mommy's boobies hurt.  He seemed to understand.  Then, he glared at me and I said nicely, "it's not my fault".  

His eyes.  Lol!  They rolled sooo far back that I was waiting to see the backs of his eyeballs.  He just laid in my arms.  Eyes rolled up.  He then drank some milk from his cup, snuggled, and he would get sleepy.  Then we would smile at each other.  We did that several times until he fell asleep.  Then I got sad.  I felt like crying.  What if this was the end?  No more boobies for Z.  

Every morning we play a game.  I say "I.  Love..." then he finishes it with mom, dad, or this morning the first answer was "BOOBIES".  Lol!  He does love his boobies.  I will be happy and sad to stop nursing Mr Z.  I'll miss that time together.  It's 15 days away from his 2nd birthday.  He's my longest nursing little one.  I'm done.  Maybe not 100% emotionally, but I'm ready.  It's just a matter of him being ready.  

Kombucha - Trying this again

I decided to give my journey into the world of kombucha a second try.  The first time I tried it, we will just say that I didn't care much for it.  It was too vinegar tasting for me.  It didn't matter how long or short I brewed it.  It then molded within the first month.  I have no idea what happened, but it was all bad.

So, I'm trying again.  I'm on my second brew.  I have my second ferment going with my first brew.  Right now we have grape Jun and grape Kombucha, as well as one grape/blueberry Kombucha bottled up.  

What is Kombucha?  Let's venture into the website from House Kombucha.

"Kombucha is an ancient fermented tea-based probiotic beverage.  Kombucha has been revered as a healing tonic for at least 3,000 years.  It is believed to provide healthful micronutrients and bacteria beneficial to digestion, detoxification and immunity.  Worldwide, people make and drink kombucha for the way it make them feel, alive, healed and replenished."

What are the benefits?  Let us look at Kombucha Kamp.  This is an amazing site for all Kombucha questions.

"However, Kombucha Tea is JUST A FOOD – a naturally carbonated, healthy tonic enjoyed by those who brew and consume it regularly, often throughout the day in small doses. People are usually very loyal to their daily Kombucha consumption, and consider the drink healthy for a number of reasons, such as:

*Contains living bacteria and yeast
*Substituted for sugary sodas or multiple trips to the coffee pot
*Acts as a snack or pre-meal hunger control
*Alkalizes like vinegar or lemon juice – balances internal pH
*Compounds in the drink may bond to and help excrete toxins from the liver – happy liver = happy mood
*May speed metabolism
*The acids present may improve digestion or alleviate constipation
*Improved flexibility & fluidity of movement
*Smooth energy from low levels of tea
*Relieve headaches & migraines
*Antioxidants & polyphenols from the tea are partially fermented and so more bioavailable
*Kills h.pylori on contact
*Certain acids present are considered candida-cides..."

Here is a picture of my Scoby (the "mother") and my Kombucha Tea.

This is how I make it:

Make 3 quarts of boiling water. Dissolve 3/4-1 cup organic sugar (or reg sugar, or honey but not raw) in the water. Put 4-6 tea bags in. This can be green tea, black tea, or any tea that doesn't have oils added. Let it steep until the tea is cooled. Remove the tea bags, pour the tea into a gallon jar, add in your scoby, and cover the top of the jar with a towel or coffee filter. Then you wait 7-10 days. When it's where you like it, pour all but 2-4 cups of the kombucha liquid out, and start over. 

The kombucha you poured out can be drunk right away, or you can bottle it with fruit to make flavored "pop". 

So, I'm currently trying again.  We shall see how it goes.  Let's hope I don't have any exploding bottles.  Ha ha ha

Working out and preparing for my second 5K!

I'm posting a lot.  I have a lot to say, and do what to cram it all in one post.

I've been reading into my exercise routine.  Hannah and I ran Week 3 Day 1 of the 10K Trainer yesterday.  It was easier than I remembered it being.  It was a 90 second run, 3 min run, 90 second run, and 3 min run.  It doesn't seem like a lot, but it is when you haven't run a lot.

However, we have only 10 weeks before the 5K.  We should be well into the 10K Trainer by that point and running over the 3.1 miles.

I'm also part way into my 30 Day Challenge (30DC).  I am up to 16 pushups (don't laugh), 38 squats, 38 bridges, 85 second plank, and 16 tricep dips.  It goes up daily, so tomorrow will be higher.

What else?  DDP Yoga as well.  I'm not as good at keeping up with it, but I'm trying.

Hopefully I will be getting in better shape by the end of the summer.  :)

I will also add that I am amazed at how the endorphins from working out help with stress.  Wow!   Several weeks in and I'm relaxed.  I'm happy.  I'm stress free.  I love it.


I'm adding my before pictures. This was from Feb 12, so I'm not updating for a while.  If I ever have anyone read this... Sorry.  I have pictures.  Hey!  I've had 9 kids.  Leave me alone!  Ha ha ha!

Measurements:

Feb 13, 2016

Full hips - 41.5
Belly (button) - 38
Thigh - 25
Arm - 13.5
Calf - 15
Underbust - 34.75
Bust - 38
Neck - 13

Anyway...

Chili and Game Night

Tonight we are going to have a fun little night.  I've been so excited all week, craving chili.  I'm making it now.  It consumer a few hours.  Then we get to eat.

However, an unexpected delivery came today.  I was getting a board game sent for a review.  Amazingly, it came today!  It took less than 48 hours to get here.

Soooo, tonight we are playing our constitution trivia board game!  I'm really looking forward to it. It will be a fun historians for the kids schooling too!

A Positive Attitude

It's amazing how a positive attitude can change so much about your life.  It's been almost 6 months since my last post.  I have worked hard at changing my trot use and bettering myself.  I have managed to pull myself out if the funk that I had slipped into.  Instead of focusing on the negative I've worked on making my life better.  I am concentrating on the positive, and the positive has multiplied in my life.

I am doing amazing with my kids.  My patience is so much better.  My relationship with my hubby has grown exponentially.  I am flirting and snuggling more.  Something I had stopped doing.  Everyone is happier, and life is amazing right now.

I have learned to down out the bad thoughts and to listen to the happy ones.  I am still not where I want to be, but I'm getting there.

I am a great person.

I am a great mother.

I am a great wife.

I am a Daughter of God.

I am worth all the good in the world.

You are too.