Here’s the way it is.
I’m 6 weeks 2 days postpartum. I’m struggling. I’m overwhelmed. So much housework. I have 11 kids. 9 are still home. I clean for hours. They “unclean” right behind me. So much to do.
I got to rest for 2 days after baby was born before going back to work. Oh, I own my own restaurant, so there’s no rest for me. I make the sides. I do most of the cleaning. I do all the bills and paperwork. I wrote the checks, which means I meet up with the delivery people at 8:30 am several days a week. I also work in the kitchen and now as a server now that my daughter is at camp, as she was our main server.
I’m always tired. I don’t sleep much at night. I’m up a lot because I’m stressed. I wake up almost nightly at 3am and 6:30 am. I usually stay awake for an hour or more. Plus I’m nursing. Plus my 4 yr old is an escape artist, so I’m always listening for him as I sleep. I almost never sleep deep.
I wash my hair once a week. I truthfully don’t remember the last time I took a shower. I don’t know. A couple weeks ago. I just don’t care. I put on deodorant. I brush my hair every few days.
I eat once a day. Sometimes more. Sometimes less. I live on coffee and soda. I’ve taken up drinking as my part time hobby. Not enough to get drunk. Just not sad anymore.
I’m tired of crying. I cry a lot. I’m sad. I’m tired of hating my life. I’m tired of hating myself. I’m tired of being a failure. I’m tired of pretending that I’m fine when I’m not. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I can’t fight on like this. I am tired of being told to suck it up. To get over it. I’m tired of having nobody I can open up to because I know I’ll be judged. Every person I’ve ever talked to has aired it in public or thrown it back at me later as a point of what a shitty person I am.
I just have nothing left to give. I’ll just sit at home. With my kids offering me hugs, but not helping any with anything else. I’ll sit and listen to my 2 littlest cry and just turn my music up a little louder until I can pull myself together enough to be a mom.
I have no support.
I have no way to see anyone for help.
I’m all alone.