Monday, December 12, 2016

Have a day...

I'd like to talk a little bit about something that most know about, most have heard about, but many don't understand. 

It's not something that you can suck it up and get over.  It's not something that is enjoyable. It's not something you do for attention.  It's debilitating sadness.  It's skipping food and drinking for a beer for breakfast, and having a bottle of wine for lunch and dinner.  

Depression is not caring if others "need you".  That doesn't help. That compounds the stress knowing that your existence is only worth the fact that others are in need of your help.  That you aren't worthy of living if others don't need you.  That your life is worth so little.  

Depression is a dark hole where all you want is to sleep.  To numb your sadness.  Not knowing exactly why you are so sad, but also knowing exactly why. 

That you are useless  
Everyone is better off without you
The fact that you are alive is bothersome to others
Nobody cares
Wanting to go to sleep and not wake up
Wishing you could just vanish 
Knowing you're just an incompetent piece of shit
Hating yourself 
Holding it all in
Hurting yourself to feel something, ANYTHING, that's not sadness
Knowing that nobody wants to be bothered with your problems
Knowing others problems are because of you 
That you are not a fixer.  You're a breaker. 

Just wanting to have anything to make it go away

I'm Fine.  The response to "How are you doing?"

The real feeling behind the words...

Nothing makes it better.  



That's a worst part.  There is no end in sight.  

Have hope.  That's all we can hang onto.