Here’s the way it is.
I’m 6 weeks 2 days postpartum. I’m struggling. I’m overwhelmed. So much housework. I have 11 kids. 9 are still home. I clean for hours. They “unclean” right behind me. So much to do.
I got to rest for 2 days after baby was born before going back to work. Oh, I own my own restaurant, so there’s no rest for me. I make the sides. I do most of the cleaning. I do all the bills and paperwork. I wrote the checks, which means I meet up with the delivery people at 8:30 am several days a week. I also work in the kitchen and now as a server now that my daughter is at camp, as she was our main server.
I’m always tired. I don’t sleep much at night. I’m up a lot because I’m stressed. I wake up almost nightly at 3am and 6:30 am. I usually stay awake for an hour or more. Plus I’m nursing. Plus my 4 yr old is an escape artist, so I’m always listening for him as I sleep. I almost never sleep deep.
I wash my hair once a week. I truthfully don’t remember the last time I took a shower. I don’t know. A couple weeks ago. I just don’t care. I put on deodorant. I brush my hair every few days.
I eat once a day. Sometimes more. Sometimes less. I live on coffee and soda. I’ve taken up drinking as my part time hobby. Not enough to get drunk. Just not sad anymore.
I’m tired of crying. I cry a lot. I’m sad. I’m tired of hating my life. I’m tired of hating myself. I’m tired of being a failure. I’m tired of pretending that I’m fine when I’m not. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I can’t fight on like this. I am tired of being told to suck it up. To get over it. I’m tired of having nobody I can open up to because I know I’ll be judged. Every person I’ve ever talked to has aired it in public or thrown it back at me later as a point of what a shitty person I am.
I just have nothing left to give. I’ll just sit at home. With my kids offering me hugs, but not helping any with anything else. I’ll sit and listen to my 2 littlest cry and just turn my music up a little louder until I can pull myself together enough to be a mom.
I have no support.
I have no way to see anyone for help.
I’m all alone.
2 comments:
Thinking and praying for you. I really hope it gets better!
You are not alone. We mommas are in this together. Life is hard, but YOU are amazing! I promise that this too shall pass - you can do it. I believe in you.
I have ended relationships with people who think it’s ok to try to bring you down another notch by throwing things back in your face. Not ok!!! And not everyone is like that. Hang in there, momma. You are strong and amazing. Ask for help. If no help is available, make sure the house is secure and nap on the couch if you need to. Take a night off, even if it’s just to sleep in your car while dad watches the kids and thinks you’re out with friends (but hopefully he just understands you need a night off and to get good sleep for once and helps you out! It took two to tango! It takes two to raise them as well.) do whatever you need to do. You’ve got this. You can do it. I believe in you.
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